fuzzywezzy: (inglorious basterds)
[personal profile] fuzzywezzy
title: In the name of the moon...fuck off

summary: The retelling of the Sailor Moon story but with the tgwtg folk


disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters mentioned in this fic,they are the online persona of other people and you can find their work at http://thatguywiththeglasses.com/
Sailor Moon belongs to Naoko Takeuchi


warning: crack!fic,a bit of slash,guys in skirts,OOCness and did I mention a lot of crack ?
and this fanfic was inspired by the manga and not the anime, this will explain why certain plot points that appeared in the anime will not be mentioned. 


A/N: I would like to thank [livejournal.com profile] robyn_the_red for making this fic public and [livejournal.com profile] nombrehetomado &[livejournal.com profile] heirii  
for beta-ing the fic. 
And do excuse any grammatical/spelling mistakes and weird sentences constructions as english is not my first language.

The Critic was having a bad dream: a dog was rapping, chipmunks were singing, and the Nostalgia Chick was dressed like Ask That Guy. Conceivably, it was a nightmare. Luckily for him, he was woken up by the sound of a window opening. The Critic opened his eyes to see a brown cat with a crescent bald spot on his head standing on his bed next to him.

“I see that you have finally awoken, Nostalgia Critic,” said the cat.
At those words, Critic leaped out of bed, scared, and pointed at the cat.
“It talked. A cat….a cat talked….how…how did you get in and how do you know my name?”

“I broke in, but that's not important. Listen. My name is Mike Ellis, and I’ve been searching for you."

“Huh? Why ?”

“Because you are Sailor Moon, leader of the chosen senshi. You have an important mission! You have to find your comrades and defeat the enemy! And….you don’t believe a single word, do you?”

“Yep,” he stood up. “Why should I believe you, anyway? Sailor Moon? That sounds like a girl!”

Mike pulled out a compact …out of somewhere. It was golden, a crescent moon on the top. The curve was lying against the bottom, the two directed up the hinge that would allow an opening. Mike handed the compact to Critic, who took it with some hesitation.

“What is it?” asked Critic, holding it up.

“That’s what you use to transform into Sailor Moon.”

“Are you sure I’m the right person? This is a compact for Christ’s sake. I think the person you’re looking for is a girl.”

“No, you’re the right one: you’re Sailor Moon.”

“CRITIC! Get out of bed!” a yell came in through the door.

“Oh shit, Rob!”

“If you ever feel in danger or need to use it, just call on the compact’s power and shout 'Moon Prism Power, Make-up'.”

Mike quickly left the room the same way he entered it.

“Come back, you stupid cat! Do I really need to say the make-up part?"

“Make-up? Finally accepted your feminine side?”

The Critic turned around to see his brother with a grin on his face and his cat in his arms.

“Shut up and get that stupid grin off your face!” he snapped.

Rob saluted mockingly.

“Aye-aye, captain.”

The Critic took some clean clothes and walked past his brother.

"Hello to you too, baldy,” he said to the cat.

“How many times do I have to say it? His name is Michaud.”

Michaud gave him a killer glare, like he understood what the Critic said. The Critic just looked at him. As if he knew the upcoming plot points, he just shrugged and headed towards the bathroom.

"I’m going for a walk after my shower.”

“Come back in time for lunch.”

************************

Chicago was busy as usual. Office workers were in their cubicles, knock-off Louis Vitton handbags littered the fronts of stores selling the originals. Basically, it was normal.

The Critic had been window-shopping, though he'd never admit it, when he noticed people running and screaming for help. Going against the crowd to see the source, he couldn't believe it.

There were people lying on the floor, unconscious or dead, but more importantly apes. Giant fire apes. On fire.

One of them noticed Critic and threw a bench at him. The Critic barely dodged it. The ape, seeing that he missed his target, howled at him, attracting the attentions of the other fire apes, who all went after him.

Without a second thought, he took the compact from his his jacket and raised it into the air.

"MOON PRISM POWER, MAKE-UP!"

As the compact opened, the Critic shielded his eyes from the intense light coming out.

When he opened his eyes, his clothes were no longer the jeans, t-shirt and jacket that he had been wearing. Instead he was wearing a very short blue pleated skirt, a white leotard, arm-length gloves, red knee-high boots, a tiara and the compact on his tie which he still wore along with his hat for some reason.

Critic raised his glare from his new clothes to the apes, who looked confused for a moment before shrugging and continuing to come after him, throwing whatever was in their way.

The Critic dodged left and right from every object the fire apes threw, but a moment of inattention made him receive a pot plant in the stomach, making him crashing into the wall. He lurched out of the wall and got on his knees, checking if he was bleeding. He was.

“How the hell did I get involved in this? I should be home reviewing movies for Santa Christ’s sake,” he whined.

He was interrupted by a flying cartridge who landed next to him.

“Sailor Moon! “

The Critic looked up and saw at one of the windows a man, wearing a black tuxedo, a high hat and a superscope in his right hand.

“Bitching will bring nothing. Now get up and fight those motherfucking apes on fire, bitch!” he said, firing at a fire ape, blasting it into oblivion.

What the fuck is he saying? the Critic thought. Calling him like that and who in their right mind wears a tuxedo and fights crime in it?He thought, tugging down his skirt.

“Sailor Moon! Throw your cap at those fire apes!” said Mike, suddenly at his side.

“What?! You’re the cat from this morning. Why are you only showing up now!”

“Throw your cap and say ‘moon cap action'.”

“Why ….”

“JUST DO IT!”

The Critic raised his hat.

“MOON … CAP...” The cap glowed, becoming more like a shining disk. He threw it like a frisbee. "ACTION !”
The ex-cap flew through the air, slicing the fire ape in two.
It howled in pain before turning into a pile of dust on the floor. A blast and slicing cap later, the fire apes on fire had been vanquished leaving the Critic, Mike and the stranger all alone.

“Who are you ?” asked Mike.

“I’m Tuxedo Kamen and a word of advice, Sailor Moon. If you’re gonna save the earth, learn how to do your job, you sissy," he said, disappearing in a flash.

“Come back here, you fucker!”
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