fuzzywezzy: (inglorious basterds)
[personal profile] fuzzywezzy
title:In the name of the moon...fuck off

summary:The retelling of the Sailor Moon story but with the guys from tgwtg

disclaimer:I do not own any of the characters mentioned in this fic,they are the online persona of other people and you can find their work at http://thatguywiththeglasses.com/
Sailor Moon belongs to Naoko Takeuchi.

warning:crack!fic,a bit of slash,guys in skirts,OOCness and did I mention a lot of crack ?
and this fanfic was inspired by the manga and not the anime, this will explain why certain plot points that appeared in the anime will not be mentioned here.

A/N:From this chapter and forward, this fic is not beta-ed anymore so if you notice any gramatical, spelling mistakes and sentences that don't make sense(as english is not my first language)just point them out to me. And as always,I would like to thank again [livejournal.com profile] robyn_the_red for making this fic come alive

chapter I chapter II Chapter III Chapter IV Chapter V

The sun was already high up in the sky when Mike woke up alone in bed as Critic already woke up. He went down the stairs and into the kitchen. Normally the kitchen was a room with a constant dynamism of the two brothers bickering or being generally happy to be together and a scent of burned bacon. Mike went on the table to read the newspaper that Rob left behind, he turned the pages until he stumbled on page 8.

Silver Crystal ? said the headline.
A priceless lost jewel worth billions of dollars possibly located in Chicago said the sub – headline.

Under it was a big blurry picture of Tuxedo Kamen. Mike ran to the computer to check the source, he searched on the big news websites, the local news and numerous of blogs. They all confirmed the worst : Tuxedo Kamen caught the public’s eye made a press statement about the Silver Crystal, hoping that they will help him find it.

“Tuxedo Kamen, you idiot !” thought Mike. “What are you planning on doing now ?”

He urgently needed to talk to Critic and the others; he quickly went into the hallway, grabbed the phone and dialed Critic’s mobile.

“Hello ?”

“Critic ! You all need to come back to the house now !”

“Wait a minute, how did you find my number ? Cats can’t dial !!”

“That’s not important right now. It’s about the location of the Silver Crystal”.

After a moment of silence Critic replied “We’ll be here in 5 minutes”.


It was mostly silent in the unknown located castle except for the faint nose emerging from one of the rooms. The wall of the room itself was covered with hundreds of televisions, all news channels ranging from big main channels to the tiny local stations all talking about the Silver Crystal. Two officers were sitting in front of the wall in leather chairs; the man with the hat was tuning his Gibson Les Paul, glancing occasionally at the screens.

“Those fucking humans are sure giving us some entertainment, don’t they ?” said the short brown haired man that was sitting next to him

The man with the hat took his glance from his guitar to look at him “Well they sure do” he replied “and we didn’t anything to provoke this chain of reaction”

“Yeah, thanks to Tuxedo Mask, we don’t have to anything for once !” he exclaimed
“We just have to sit here and wait for Tuxedo Mask to find the Silver Crystal so then we can grab it from his hands. The fucker would have never seen it coming !”

“I see you that you sitting there doing nothing boys” said another voice

They both turned around to see their boss with his hands on his hips; he walked towards them and put his hands on each of their shoulder, leaning over them in the process

“You both know that we must imperially have the Silver Crystal in order to complete our goals right ?” he said turning his head left and right “Our master must have more energy”

He stared at his officers for a few awkward seconds.

“What are you waiting for ? Shoo !” he said doing a waving motion with his left hand towards the exit.

The man with the hat stood up, he walked towards the exit stroking some notes before teleporting to his destination.The bearded man sat in the now empty chair, grabbing a bag of chips out of his robe.

“Onion rings ?”


Critic responded to Mike’s call and in 20 minutes times; he, Linkara, Spoony and Angry Joe were all sitting in his kitchen listening to Mike.

“The people are getting crazy over the Silver Crystal” said Linkara

“I know. I can’t believe this mess” said Mike “I still wonder why Tuxedo Kamen did this.”

“I’m going to punch that fucking asshole so hard in his fucking face!” said Critic, shaking his right fist.

“Mike, how much progress are we making at finding the princess and defeating this enemy ?” said Angry Joe

“I’m still working on it” Mike replied “If the enemy is who I think it is then…”

“Then what ?” said Critic

“…Then if the crystal fall into those hands, there is no hope left ”.

“No hope ?“ exclaimed Spoony “Just how powerful is that fucking crystal ?”

“Powerful enough to destroy an entire planet” Mike replied

The group was taken aghast by Mike’s respond, some sitting further into their seats
Mike continued talking as the others were still speechless over his revelation

“The reason you were chosen to protect the princess and the crystal is because you were destined to. I was send from the moon to awaken you”.

“WHAAAAT ?!?” yelled the four man in unison

“You’re from the moon ? The planet that rotates around us ? Up there ?” said Linkara pointing at the nearby window

“Yes, that is correct” replied Mike

“So that means the princess is from the moon right ? said Angry Joe “So does that mean, in a previous life we all lived on the moon ?”

“Well technically yes, you stayed on the moon as representatives in the royal court but you still lived on your respective planet”

“Sweet ! “

“I need a drink” said Critic, taking a couple of beer bottles out of the fridge, putting the other ones the table which Spoony and Linkara quickly took.

“Explaining everything now would take a long time as it is a long story but I promise to reveal everything to you when the right time comes” explained Mike “But now we must find the location of the enemy and of Tuxedo Kamen”.


For the next couple of hours, the gang researched for information but to no success, Tuxedo Kamen was never heard of until now and there was no mention of the Fire Apes apart from shady information from conspiracy websites. Mike sent out Critic and Spoony to buy paranormal phenomena newspapers.

“Mike, do you know a Sailor V ?”

Linkara turned the laptop towards Mike’s direction, the picture on the computer screen was not of good quality but the person on it could still be seen. Sailor V was wearing a short sleeved midriff shirt with a blue collar and white shoulder pads and a red ribbon. White mid length gloves, a blue skirt with a red border and blue ankle strapped shoes and a red half-mask.

“I’ve not heard of that person before” said Mike. “Do you have more information ?”

“Well, according to this source, since 3 years, there has been eyewitnesses’ testimony of Sailor V coming from Europe so that must be where Sailor V is operating. But it also says that there was a rapid decline in eyewitnesses after the first appearance of the mysterious crime-fighter in Chicago”

“Say” said Angry Joe “there’s a crescent moon mark on the forehead”. He pointed at Sailor V’s forehead. “Sailor V must be one of the moon people! We can finally get our answers !”

“But why haven’t I sensed anything from Sailor V before” asked Mike

The TV that was during the whole time, tuned to a concert, suddenly let out a series of loud shrieking noses as if it were possessed. The two men and cat looked at each others, they were covering up their ears because of the sheer intensity of the volume.

“What the hell is that !” yelled Linkara.

“Did Critic’s TV just broke ?” asked Angry Joe who went to inspect the TV and hitting it a couple times before turning it off.

“No wait !” said Mike. Mike took out some sort of tape recorder with a round light in the middle of it and hold it close to the TV “Turn it back on, I need to sample the sound”

Angry Joe turned the TV back on; the light on the recorder activated and remained lighten for two whole minutes before the light started to light up in a rapid pattern. Mike rushed to the computer to connect the tape recorder to it. Angry Joe turned off again the TV before joining Linkara was gathered around Mike.
The computer was calculating the audio wavelength to match out with other wavelengths to find a translation and it involved a lot of squiggly lines and complicated mathematics. The computer screen flashed green indicating that it was done with the calculations; Mike clicked on the new file.

“Find Sailor Moon” said a voice that belonged to a man “Capture him alive and bring him to your rulers : the Dark Kingdom”. The message repeated that phrase over and over again.

“Did it just say the Dark Kingdom ?” said Mike “This worse than I thought “Linkara, call Spoony and Critic and asked them if they’ve heard or seen anything out of the ordinary and also ask for their location and that we’re on our way”.


Spoony blamed Critic for the occurring problem that was happening to them right now, they were hassle by crazy man when they were buying the magazines that Mike had asked for. They managed to chase him away but then another came and another one and another one until there was a whole mob after them, they were all trying to grab Critic, repeating the name “Sailor Moon” ad nauseam to the point of becoming a chant. Naturally they made a run for it; they dodged between the pedestrians and pushed them aside and almost getting run over by cars in their escape. Spoon looked back, seeing that they had a good distance ahead of “the crazies” as he had nicknamed them. Critic pulled him in small alley way that was blocked mid-way by a big wall. They were hearing the mob screaming and breaking windows and other public proprieties. Spoony grabbed Critic by his tie and the end of his collar.

“To whom did you tell about your secret identity ?” he hissed

“I didn’t tell anyone about it !” swore Critic

“Well somebody must know about it since those crazies are after you !”

“How do they know it’s me anyways ? I’m not wearing my uniform now” remarked Critic “They recognized you too ! Maybe you told someone about your secret identity !”

“No way, unlike you I’m not stupid enough to make that mistake”

Their bickering distracted them from the fact that the crazies were approaching them, being drawn on to their noises. The mob was moving in closer, closing in on their victims. Critic and Spoony were pushed against the wall, they trying to fight off their attackers but they couldn’t brutally hurt them as the mob was still human, to the despair of Spoony. Despite that fact, Spoony transformed so he could take advantage his enhanced abilities, a similar action taken by Critic. It was must easier for the two men to fend themselves; they were able to knock down most of the mob. As if some cosmic entity intervened for the best or the worst (the case was to be studied further), Critic’s cell phone rang. He grabbed it with his free hand, the other keeping away the mob.

“Critic, the enemy has send out a mind control signal, have you and Spoony seen any strange behaviors ?”

“By strange behaviors do you mean people trying to kidnap me !!” screamed Critic

“Who the fuck is it ?” asked Spoony, high-kicking

“It’s Linkara” replied Critic

“Tell him that he calling at a really bad time!”

“Where are you ?”

“In an alley somewhere, I don’t know !” exasperated Critic

A murmur other then Linkara’s came through the phone with some sounds.
“Critic this is Mike, stay on the phone and we’ll be able to track you down”

“Then hurry up !”

“Don’t worry we’ll be there shortly”

“Easy for you to say that” retorted Critic

“What did he wanted ?”

“He said that our enemy has mind controlled civilians to attack us”

“Well not shit,” claimed Spoony “That’s no news to us”

A soft guitar melody was suddenly heard, it broke the repeating chant of the mob. Spoony and Critic looked around for the mysterious tune; they looked behind to see a man in a familiar grey uniform sitting on the edge of the wall.

“I’ve observed you for a while and it seems that you are enjoying ‘the crazies’, Sailor Moon and Sailor Mars if I may borrow your nickname” said the man with the hat

Critic did not waste any time on chit-chatting and attacked him “MOON TWILIGHT FLASH !” The attack missed the guy with the hat as he disappeared to reappear behind Critic, grabbing him tightly before re-disappear and returning on the wall.

“Now tell me the whereabouts of Silver Crystal” said Kyle.

Spoony leaped in the air and threw big fireballs at the man with the hat, the man played some notes that raised a force field before him, and said fireballs reflected and hit Spoony back in the chest, he flights back into the mob that pull him further away.
“SPOONY !” cried out Critic. He tried to wriggled out of the man’s grasps, the man stroke three notes; Critic felt being tied up by an invisible rope, completely immobile, not able to move a muscle. He was however being able to summon his moon wand but couldn’t perform any magic.

“Critic ! We’re here !” exclaimed Angry Joe followed by Linkara ,whom both were already transformed, and Mike. They fought their way into the mob to pull aside a barely conscious Spoony.

“Who are you ? What are the intentions of the Dark Kingdom ?” yelled Mike

“I’m Kyle, the guitar guy. Our plan is to try to take over Earth, of course” replied Kyle with a smile.

“Why did you brainwash those people ?”

“To make our job easier.” Kyle pointed at Critic. “Which they did a good job of finding their objective.”

“What the brainwashed people ?” asked Angry Joe “Are you gonna turn them back to normal ?”

“No” said Kyle “They aren’t our concern anymore.”

“I will not let you get away with this !” proclaimed Angry Joe “JUPITER THUNDERBOLT”

The lightning fell on Kyle’s force field, which bounced back at the rest of the senshis thus electrocuting them. Critic watched, his friends beating beat down by the mob who took advantage of their vulnerabilities.
Critic was desperate, he deeply concentrates on finding any magical attack that might save the day, he felt some power building up inside of him, and he tried to focus on it. He was, in fact, so deep in his thoughts, that he didn’t notice the loud slashing noise and the big amount of blood that was dripping on his head and shoulders. He turned his head around, he noticed that the guy who held him hostage, was missing the top half of his head. A millisecond later, Kyle was slashed into tiny pieces by a cloud of crescent shaped throwing knife, it could be have been speculated that the fact of Critic being alive in one piece on the wall, meant that the mysterious knife thrower was an excellent shooter or that Critic was very very lucky.
The enchantment broke and Critic was able to move again and landed perfectly on the wall, feeling the power emerging from him he put his hand that carried the wand in the air. The Moon wand emanated a trail of glitter and mist, Critic moved it in a wide, circular motion and drew the outline of a circle around his body. The trail fell on the mob; they slowly regain consciousness and were confused by their whereabouts, the senshis’ wounds got healed, Spoony awakened.
Critic fell dizzy do to using an unknown magic spell on a high number of people, he felt backwards, vaguely hearing his friends’ screams. His last memory before fainting was of someone wearing an orange uniform.
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